Friday, July 18, 2014

Obama Calls Putin After Plane Is Shot Down

Malaysian Airlines flight MH17 was on a routine flight from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur when it suddenly fell from the sky near the Ukraine/Russia border, killing all 295 souls on board. Although Russia's President, Vladimir Putin, blames the Ukranians for the action, most who have weighed in on it blame pro-Russia rebels in Ukraine, who are being armed with sophisticated weapons by the Russian government.

It was reported that President Obama called President Putin yesterday to discuss the airliner. The conversation probably went something like this:

Putin: "привет"  (Hello)

Obama: "Vladimir - It's Barack."

Putin: "Who is this?"

Obama: "Barack. Barack Obama - the President of the United States."

Putin: "Do I know you? How did you get this number?"

Obama: "C'mon, Vlad. It's me. You remember."

Putin: "Of course I remember, BO. I'm just... how you say... pulling your arm."

Obama "Leg."

Putin: "What leg?"

Obama: "Pulling your leg. That's the expression. Pulling your leg."

Putin: "Why would I want to pull your leg? In the United States is that like pulling my finger?"

Obama: "No, no. Forget it. Look - the reason I'm calling is about the Malaysian airliner that was shot down. 295 people died. Did you have anything to do with that?"

Putin: "I heard about that. Such a tragedy. Those Ukranians are bad people."

Obama: "Vlad - we know the Ukranians don't have the weaponry to shoot down a plane at that altitude. Did you have anything to do with it?"

Putin: "Why would I do something like that? Shooting down a civilian air liner is the act of a bully."

Obama: "Vlad - there are only three countries in the world who have the weaponry to shoot down a plane like that from the ground. The USA, China and Russia. We certainly didn't do it. China has no reason to do it. So that leaves you. I know you didn't do it yourself but we're pretty sure those Russian rebels in Ukraine did it. They boasted about shooting down a plane on Twitter, then deleted their post once it was learned it was a civilian airliner."

Putin: "BO - you're getting too clever. Yes, the Russian rebels shot the plane down. They got a little carried away. But I've told them to be more careful from now on. However, we are still going to deny any knowledge of it and you are going to cover for us. The Ukranians shot the plane down. Do you understand?"

Obama: "I can't tell the American people that the Ukranians shot the plane down. The Ukranians don't have the means to do it. My people will never believe me."

Putin: "They believed "hope and change." They believed the "video" story - at least for a while. You need to get more control over Fox News, BO. The only good news agency is a state controlled news agency. How many times must I tell you that?"

Obama: "Damn Fox News. I hate them! Anyway - back to the Malaysian plane. I can't tell another lie to the American people. They're catching on. Sixty percent of them already don't believe a word I say."

Putin: "So what? Just tell them what I told you - that Russia had nothing to do with it and it was the Ukranian government who shot down the plane. That's all you have to do."

Obama: "I can't do that, Vladimir. I'll look like a fool."

Putin: "What difference, at this point, does it make?  Ha ha ha ha! Sorry BO - I couldn't help myself! That's such a great line! Just tell them what I said. Don't make me force the issue by launching another attack on Ukraine or posting some more pictures of myself riding a bear while shirtless. Do what I said, girly man, or I'll have to spank you."

Obama: "OK, Vlad. I'll do it. But please keep your rebels under control. There were 23 Americans on that plane. My people will expect me to care about that. It's hard to maintain appearances when I really couldn't care less. I'm more interested in releasing terrorists for American deserters than I am about some stupid Americans being killed in another part of the world where they don't belong. Did you see Bergdahl's mom? Wow - was she hot. Michelle almost killed me after that press conference. I couldn't keep my hands off of her!"

Putin: "I saw her. You're a lucky dog, BO. She was one hot mama. And I saw you flirting with that hot Danish Prime Minister at Mandella's funeral. I don't understand how a guy who wears mom jeans can get hot women like that. They're all hot - unlike Michelle. No offense."

Obama: "None taken. Michelle is like our Constitution - they both get in the way of what I want to do. And you know what they say. Once you go black..."

Putin: "What do they say?"

Obama: "Once you go black you never go back."

Putin: "Who says that?"

Obama: "Many Americans - particularly black Americans."

Putin: "I've never heard that before. Interesting."

Obama: "Maybe it's because you don't have any black people in your country."

Putin: "We have black people in my country. What - you never heard of a black Russian?"

Obama: "I've heard of a Black Russian but..."

Putin: "There you go. We have black people. But not very many."

Obama: There are black people everywhere, I guess. Things are changing."

Putin: "I hear you, BO. I hear you. I have to go now. I have to wrestle an alligator for a photo op. My people love me. And those who don't are persuaded to love me or they disappear. It's simple. By the way - are you wearing your mom jeans right now?"

Obama: "As a matter of fact, I am. They're comfortable."

Putin: "Just as I thought. One of these days you need to do something manly and have some pictures taken. Playing pool and drinking beer is a good start but not really very adventuresome. Go fishing or hunting. Wait - no hunting. I've seen the pictures of you shooting. Sarah Palin looks more manly than you do with a gun. Sarah Palin - I wish I could see her house from the Kremlin. She's hot too.

Obama: "Yeah, I guess Palin is hot - if you like pale, skinny, white women."

Putin: "But you do like pale, skinny, white women, BO. What about Bergdahl's mom and Prime Minister Thorning-Schmidt?"

Obama: "Well - they're different. They're not Republicans."

Putin: "I'm laughing out loud, BO! You Americans and your political parties. In Russia we have one party. Me. You should drink some vodka, BO. It will put hair on  your chest."

Obama: "But Vlad - you don't have hair on your chest."

Putin: "That's a long story and none of your business. Good-bye, BO. Wuss."

Obama: "So long, V..(click)

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