Happy Birthday Christopher....

Wickipedia defines Fathers Day as “a celebration honoring fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society. It is celebrated on the third Sunday of June in many countries and on other days elsewhere. It complements Mother's Day, the celebration honoring mothers.”

Today will be the ninth Fathers’ Day I have had to celebrate without my beloved son, Christopher, and the second that falls on what would have been his 27th birthday. Yes, I said “celebrate”. I’ll explain.

The year he died, 2002, Father’s Day was a black, painful day that I would have completely skipped if I could have. Christopher had been dead four months and six days and the pain was still very real and very intense. It was almost all consuming. Even though I wasn’t jealous of them, seeing other fathers around me celebrating with their kids did hurt. Yet in the middle of my pain something wonderful happened that made me happy.

A friend of mine had been estranged from his son for several years. Out of the blue, on that Fathers’ Day, his son walked in just to see him and make amends. Even as I was feeling sorry for myself I couldn’t help but be genuinely happy for this man who was reuniting with his only son. So in the middle of my grief there was at least a happy moment.

As the years passed it became a little easier to get through Fathers Day until June 19, 2006, the first time it was on his birthday. Each year on Christopher’s birthday I would travel to West Palm Beach, Florida, to a small park where they had placed an “Angel of Hope” statue. (You can read about the statue at http://www.tcfatlanta.org/Articles/AngelOfHope.pdf.) It had become very dear to me, a place of peace and solitude where I could commune with Christopher and leave feeling content. That year I had a double reason to go. I remember placing a flower at the feet of the statue, looking up at her and crying softly. It had been four years and four birthdays and four Fathers’ Days and it still hurt. Having Fathers’
Day on my dead son’s birthday was just painful.

This year it comes around on his birthday again but it won’t be as devastating. As much as I miss him, as much as I wish he was still here, the pain has eased to a bearable level and I’ve learned to celebrate being a father, whether he’s here or not. I’m still Christopher’s dad and this day is partly for me. And I can live with that.

One thing that will help this year is that I’m now in possession of several more of Christopher’s belongings. I went to Oklahoma City last year to visit his grandparents, where his mom used to live. His grandma, who I love dearly, had several boxes of things Christopher or his mom had saved. I got pictures, his high school graduation cap and gown, his high school diploma (which the school had given to his mother), his band uniform, a coffee mug from his high school, and his yearbook. I got his wallet that he was carrying the night of his accident. (I still wear his ring on a chain around my neck.) And I got his Led Zeppelin CD collection and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt. All these things remind me of him and make me feel closer to him. And I’m so very grateful to have them.

There’s an Angel of Hope statue in Tampa that I will try to visit today. I’ll place a white flower at her feet and look up into her face and think about Christopher. I may even shed a tear, simply because I miss him. But I won’t let sadness ruin the day for me. I’m proud to be Christopher’s father and I’m glad I can still be a part of Fathers’ Day, simply because I’m his father. And I’m hoping other fathers in my position feel the same way. Being a father is something no one can take away from you. And if you have to celebrate that status without your child, do it anyway.

Happy birthday, Christopher. I love you and I miss you every day. It still hurts that you’re not here but I know you wouldn’t want me to let it ruin my life. Thanks for making me a father. Even more – thanks for being my son.

Happy Father’s Day to all of you fathers out there, including my own, who is 90 years old! Have a wonderful day and celebrate it with your children if possible. And don’t forget to tell them you love them. You never know if you’ll get another chance.